Sex Is Better on Tape…

Of course I’ve made a sex tape. It’s what I do best. I absolutely love them. I look so good in them, too. The angles that I am able to capture are simply delectable. I really should post one soon. There’s something to be said about watching my legs and feet while a lady bounces up and down. Then, at the right moments, I always give a wink and thumbs up. Makes me laugh every time. As you know, or will soon find out, I am ridiculously addicted to television. My nights consist of television followed by sex. Actually, sometimes it’s sex followed by television. It sounds worse than it is. It’s not like it consumes my every minute, right? It’s the beauty of TiVo, when you think about it. I usually spend a few hours on the weekend catching up with what I missed. Yes, we will be diving into things like American Idol, Lost, Sopranos, etc., by the time tomorrow rolls around, so you know.

Why have I written the longest introduction to a simple story? I don’t know, but I think it’s going to be more effective. Over the past few weeks, I have become attached to a simple MTV show called The Hills. I’m not sure why, either. Maybe it’s due to the lack of good teen dramas being produced. Where has The O.C., Dawson’s Creek, Melrose, and Saved by the Bell Gone? I always fancied them for the ladies they had dressed in skirts and low cut tops, and that’s exactly what The Hills brings me. In fact, that’s about all The Hills brings me. The ladies, except that Heidi chick, are all hot. I am also confident that I am far superior to the likes of Spencer and Brody. There’s not much else that needs to be said about it. Granted, most of it stems from my overwhelming jealously of how those guys live. Let’s just say, if I had the money that ol’ Spence has, I would not be moving in with an ugly bitch like Heidi.

And what does all of this mean? Apparently, Lauren has a sex tape, which we’ll see soon. Unfortunately for her, it’s with that douche from Laguna Beach. You know, I think it’s sad when hot girls have to do ugly, douchiest dudes. I’m not sure if you are getting the pronunciation of douchiest correctly. Let me try and break it down. It sounds very proper when you say it. Try it with me: Doush-E-ist. Did that work? I’ve noticed that in the past few sex tapes the chicks have been hot and the dudes have been the douchiest (Adult content in 5…4…3…). I mean, come on, Ray J, Rick Saloman (1 Night in Paris), and now Jason Wahler? Look at those dudes. What’s with that? Do I need to move to Hollywood and start doing this sex tape thing right?

I think so… and I’ll start with Rachel Bilson.

 

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