Snaps, suckas?

Tophspeaks.com

Well… the day is upon us. With diligent work from Ray, we finally have Tophspeaks.com.

I’m really excited about all of this, and I think it looks great. There are new and better features than before. There’s no point in telling you all of this now… just go check it out.

Don’t bother coming back here, either. Erase your old RSS feed, and subscribe the new ones. Yes, you have to do something, but in the end you’ll be better off. You don’t want to miss out on all of this.

Feel free to let me know what you think of the new place - HERE

See you guys on the other side… the side without .wordpress.

I love you

TOPHSPEAKS.COM

I’m sure by now you’re wondering why there hasn’t been a skillet of the week, and I don’t blame you. However, there are more important things going on this week. Everything that you’ve been expecting is finally true. Soon enough tophspeaks.wordpress.com will turn into tophspeaks.com. Yes, as of last night I am the owner of Tophspeaks.com. This is a big deal for me and my readers as we have finally cemented ourselves in the blogosphere. Currently, everything is now under production and construction, but I will reemerge soon as Tophspeaks.com. I, of course, will keep you alert to all of the goings-on. As you can see HERE, I have a pretty kick ass designer putting it all together. Hopefully, if Ray has enough time on his hands, we’ll be up and running smoothly this week. I’ll leave you with some of my favorite photos from the past few months…

Until then…

I love you.

You always hear stories of chicks falling into the toilet. I guess that means that we left the seat up and they were too lazy to check, so their bums fell into the toilet water. This is a hilarious image to me. Is there any way that this can be filmed? Would that be considered porn? Who cares, it sounds so funny.

What I don’t get is what they’re complaining about, though? First of all, when was the last time you took a steamer and blindly sat down on the toilet seat? Never, right? I know I’m anal (get it?) about that sort of thing, but there’s no way I’m not wiping the seat before I sit down. Why don’t chicks do this? I just can’t figure out how this is an issue for girls. Reason I’m bringing this up is because a girl just came out of our unisex bathroom with a sour look on her face. She then said to me, “I hope you put the lid down.” Fine, I’ll put it down, but I’m not going to wipe it. It’s not my duty to make sure your bathroom trip is successful. This responsibility falls solely on your shoulders, sucka. I’m versatile - I can pee with the lid up or down, and I’m not going to touch it for your convenience. So, ask yourself this, lady… is it better to sit in urine or to fall in the toilet water. Cause those are your two options you lazy cow. Or, you could check before you sit and stop being an idiot. If you think for one second I’m going to grab a piece of toilet paper and wipe the lid you are mistaken, lady. Maybe I’m the asshole, fine. I’m cool with that. In fact, I’ll accept it. There’s no way I’m cleaning toilets for a girl I’m not sleeping with. And besides… I’m going into the bathroom after you, idiot.

I love you.

(Toph’s Note:  The chick above has nothing to do with the story. Legend has it she always looks both ways before sitting on a toilet.)

No pshaw, actually. Apparently, this mythological pairing actually does exist in the form of Nicole Lapin. The minds of CNN have finally created the robot woman that men have craved since the beginning. (Wow… this is really sounding sexist. She’s so hot she’s making me sexist.) Yesterday I found myself in a stricken with boredom, so I decided to see what was happening in the news. I had read every blog on entertainment, sports and women, which left me with the news. I didn’t feel like reading, because I’m lazy, so I made it over to CNN Live Video (formally Pipeline). I was watching some story that I didn’t care about when Nicole Lapin, CNN Live Video anchor, came on. She’s the host of CNN’s Pipeline, and she’s special. I immediately started do research, and once again, was lead straight to Wired Magazine. Apparently, the writers of Wired are always one step ahead of me. Wired has kind of started to make me mad, so I went with the Wiki instead. She’s like a button, cute, smart, well-spoken, witty, and always on top of things. She’s also on your desktop for about 4 hours a day, so it’s likely you’ll be able to watch her while at work. She works solo, which means you won’t have any idiot trying to steal the camera from her. Best of all is that she’s a complete nerd. What more could you ask for?

Here are a few things I discovered about Nicole from the Wiki:

- Lapin studied for two semesters at European Union politics at L’Institut d’Etudes Politiques de Paris
- She also attended Harvard University and Columbia University.
- Lapin graduated from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University summa cum laude and as valedictorian of her class
- Lapin has become a spokeswoman for the Starlight Starbright Children’s Foundation
- Fluent in 5 languages
- Quoted saying, “My desk is now a crime scene” soon after a shooting that occurred a few feet away from her desk.

Go HERE to watch Nicole Lapin daily… and check out her fan site HERE

So, I read over on Wired that a Japanese company has created Anti-Pervert panties. How could I not read on, right? Apparently, in Japan, dudes grab chicks asses and snap photos of them in hopes of checking out their dainties on the bus. First off, could you imagine? I mean, how many times have you wanted to do that while riding the 27 through the Loin? Zero Magnin wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Word on the streets is that you can tweak your camera to see through clothing. Hold on. You can do what? And no one has told me about this? I’m so pissed at my tech friends right now. Here is the best part though, you can do it with your cellphone camera. A company called Yamada Denshi designed this IR addition to your phone, that will allow you to see through clothes when you take photos in night vision. What does this mean? I’ve been out of the loop is what it means. So, this is a big problem in Japan, because they’re really perverted. They like to watch chicks smell other chicks farts. Don’t ask me how I know that. I’ll just say that Ray told me. Well, unfortunately for pervs everywhere a company is taking action to stop all this voyeur from happening. They’re introducing ShotGuard Inner Shorts to come to the schoolgirls rescue. For $17 you can buy undies that will stop allowing pervs to take pictures through your clothes. I’m not a fan of this, but just in case, I’m buying a pair for La Diabla. They’re made by textile company Cramer Japan, which has developed a nylon and polyurethane weave that blocks infrared rays. You can find them HERE, but it will help if you know Japanese. I just so happen to be fluent in Japanese. I’ll tell you that story later.

When your undies are in your ass…

I’m not exactly sure how, but I’m on the Dallas Maverick Dancers email list. Well, it’s probably because I spend so much time on the site. I mean… umm… researching skillets. I don’t know why, but researching skillets makes it sound even more creepy than it probably is.

Point is, the Mavs Dancers are having auditions. I’m just going to put it out there - The Mavs Dancers are a collection of some of the hottest women alive. Now, with what little knowledge of skimpy outfit dancing I have, (aside from the club where I can’t see her face, because I’m grinding from behind) I’d say that the Mavs Dancers are easily the best in the NBA.

The Mavs Dancers have about the same requirements as I do, actually. They say, “If you are a high school graduate, at least 18 years old, energetic and love to perform in front of large crowds - The Mavs Dancers (and Toph) want you.” Unfortunately, I won’t be in attendance this year, but you can be. The auditions are August 11th at the Anatole in Dallas, but be there early to get a good seat. You don’t want to miss it. We actually used to reserve a room for this every year. We’d make sure we were wearing suits and be downstairs for breakfast upon their arrival. That way we looked like high powered businessmen. Hell, we’d take off of work of the extravaganza. Then, we’d console the poor girls who didn’t make the cut. I’ve looked forward to the event since I turned 16. I’ll miss not being a part of it this year.

But, you can be a part! Auditions start at 9. So, if you’re hot and you can dance, then go tryout. Do me a favor and bring your camera. I want this documented.

Here’s hoping our favorites are there next year rooting our team on. I miss Mavs basketball already.

The links… Mavs Dancers Homepage - Audition Info

Models are people too. I have to remind myself of that every time one of the VS models pops onto Skillet of the Week. This week is no exception, either, because Miranda Kerr is a person. A hot person. Plus she does not say, Thurdeen, and that’s important for an Australian.

Miranda is an Aussie that has been modeling since 13. She’s been growing on me for some time now, and I thought today was good opportunity to unleash her to the masses (of 7 people). Let’s consult the Wiki for more riveting details on her life, shall we?

Kerr was born in Sydney, Australia, and raised in the small rural country town of Gunnedah, which has a population of 8000. She is of an Iranian (Persian), Filipino and Turkish ethnic background.[citation needed] She is the eldest child of Therese and John Kerr, and has a younger brother named Matthew. She was educated at St Mary’s college in Gunnedah and All Hallows’ School, in Brisbane. At the age of 13, Kerr won Australian teenage magazine Dolly’s annual model search competition and signed a modelling contract with Melbourne’s Chadwick agency, followed by Sydney’s Chic agency. Kerr modelled part-time while she was studying, and as her profile increased, local media used her youth as an opportunity to debate about pedophilia in the fashion industry.

On to the photos and video links!!!

Video Diary

Her Story

Past Skillets - Megan Fox, Minka Kelly, Jessica Alba, Adriana Lima, Katherine McPhee, Jarah Mariano, Nikki Sanderson, Beck Newton, Alessandra Ambrosio, April Scott, Maria Sharapova, Raven Riley

I’m good. Life has finally slowed down to the point where I can think again, which is good. Yes, I come back from a near 2 week absence a married man. I don’t feel different, but I’m not sure I’m supposed to. I think it helps when you get married and you feel the same. Some people come out of weddings feeling old, trapped and scared. I don’t. This is not going to change Tophspeaks, or Toph for that matter. La Diabla enjoys this whole thing for the most part. So, you’ll still be getting the same old Toph you’ve grown to love and hate.

The wedding. What else can I say? It was amazing. I believe everyone in the place cried, and it was not because they were losing me forever. I think it was all tears of joy. Our teaser pic is above, and I’m told we’ll be getting over a thousand others in 3 weeks. We’re pretty excited about that. I’ll post the link when they’re ready.

The Honeymoon. Sweet Hermione Granger it was awesome! I think if I try and go through the details then this will end up being the longest blog ever written. The photos are posted in this set on flickr. Although, if you’re not one of my flickr friends or family, then you can’t view them. You should join flickr, get off of Kodak, and move on with your life. You can still order prints, you can still upload all your photos at the same time, and it’s 100 times better. On that note, it’s time to use Pownce. I don’t why I like that site so much, but THIS could be the reason. She’s special, and she’s the lead developer. What a package! Anyhow, it’s still by invite only, and I have 4 left. So, let’s get you on this. Most of your companies haven’t blocked it yet, so you should be able to use it. Unless you’re Ryan, who’s still on Windows 95.

Starting Monday, Tophspeaks will be back to full volume again. We’ll be adding new stuff and post-bachelor Toph will be better than ever. Well… the same as ever.

I love you.

If you thought there was no way the Maldives looked as good as the photos… you were wrong.

This place is the coolest place I have ever been. I’ll give more details when we return. Just wanted everyone to know were safe, and this place is the greatest place in the world… for lovers. What?

For pictures of the wedding… go HERE and click on Millertime Wedding.

See you guys in a week.